Distance is Presence…

At the end of the year last year I took a break.  I needed a break.  I think we all might have!  Our family made the annual pilgrimage to Mississippi to celebrate Christmas with our family there.  It’s never long enough, but it’s always special.  This year, we had the privilege of staying with family on our way down and back, as well, instead of risking it with lodging at a hotel to break up the long drive.  Those nights weren’t long enough either… but they were special!  I took the Bar Exam in February.  It wasn’t fun, but it was a privilege!  Realizing my feelings about these things put me on a track of thinking that I am, now, striving to make permanent.  Our lives aren’t long enough, but they sure are special.  My kids aren’t little for long enough but, oh, is that time ever so precious!  My time at home with them hasn’t been long enough but, it’s been unforgettable!

When I made a conscious effort to change my thinking on these things, especially on the days when things have gone more than a little sideways, I noticed that I saw everything happening in a different light.  SOME days it’s hard to look at the mess around me and see past it to the kids who were learning new things and making memories while they made it (and all the lessons they’ll learn in helping me clean it up)!  There are days that the little one using my body as his own personal climbing wall or refusing to let me work with demands to be held doesn’t seem like a reminder that he still needs me or that I need to slow down and focus on him, rather than the dishes.  The opportunities I’ve missed on those days don’t tend to hit me until they’re all tucked in for the night and I’m sitting on the couch in the quiet.  When I start to reflect on my day and thank Jesus that I made it through the crazy in one piece… I start thinking.  I start telling the stories of my [tiny] people to my husband.  It’s then that I realize what I missed in my stress and frustration.  It’s then that I get a little sad.

It happens to all of us.  We all do it.  We all miss things, whether we realize it or not.  It’s unavoidable.  And the realization that we miss these things may bring with it some level of guilt.  It can’t, though.  Because guilt doesn’t help!  Remorse makes  no difference here.  What does matter is that we see what needs to be changed and we change it.  I can tell you million stories about life at our house.  I can make you laugh for hours with the antics of this house full of boys. I could lay out, in intricate detail, the nuances of each of their personalities.  But for everything I can tell you, there are a million things I’m missing.  I can promise you, however, that today I am missing a LOT less than I used to.  

If quarantine has taught Ben and I anything, it’s that “socially distanced” has given us the time (and space) to be authentically present in our life together and in those of our children.  It’s hard to see a pandemic as a gift.  But for us, the resulting quarantine has been just that.  In almost 10 years of marriage (wow, really!?) we have never had an opportunity like this to just slow down, put a stop to all of the extra stuff, and focus on each other and on our boys.  It’s given us a great deal of time to reflect on our lives b.c. (“before covid”) and make decisions about what we want out of life a.d. (“after deliverance”).  I can tell you that one of the things we have committed to ourselves and each other is that we will continue to see all of the aspects of life, as often as possible, with eyes that find the gifts rather than the liabilities and the opportunity rather than the inconvenience.

So, in the time that has spanned between my last post and my current, we’ve started the seeds for the Spring, we’ve re-configured the garden, Ben and the boys have sifted 2 yards of compost and filled 3/4 of the raised beds.  We’ve refreshed the bedding in the chicken coop, we’ve done a lot of loving on our old lazy dog.  We’ve played outside almost daily.  The two biggest guys have started lacrosse, on the same team, and given us great games (and great brother-ing) of which we are very proud.  The two littles have given us snuggles and laughter.  And we’ve given each other more time to talk, to connect, and to enjoy the quiet moments  together (no 6-feet rule in this house).  We’ve striven to create more intimacy in our lives as a married couple, but also with our boys.  We have the deep conversations, we answer the questions (even when they’re the tough ones), and we take time to remind each of them that they are precious, loved, and irreplaceable.  As a result, we are seeing them do the same with one another as well.  Genuinely.  

My encouragement for you today, even as things begin to open up again and trees are in bloom: find the gift, see the opportunities, and cut out the noise.  Take it back to the basics for yourself and your family.  Reminisce about why you picked your spouse, let him remind you why he picked you.  Move forward with new traditions.  Drink the coffee, snuggle the kids, let go of the guilt, and just. breathe.